I sat comfortably feeding my four month old Little Man while staring into his beautiful brown eyes. Something had changed in my heart, in my mind, in my life. We tell you to pray about everything, but not always doing it ourselves. I prayed that God would soften my heart and He has.
I have heard to be careful what you wish for and to be careful what you pray for because it might come true. This can be a blessing or it can lead one into heartbreak. Everything God does is on purpose, "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him" (Philippians 2:13).
So, how did He answer my prayer? I usually would feed Little Man and search facebook, pinterest, read email.
One day, a photographer, whose blog I read because I love her photos, posted that her nephew had just been born with a very rare skin condition (EB) that is just beyond awful and she was asking for prayers. I had to click off of her blog because I had followed a precious angel named Tripp Roth and his battle with this same horrid disease for a couple years. Earlier this year, he grew his wings and is now an angel baby. I knew the outcome for Tripp and could not stand the thought of watching another beautiful baby suffer. So, I moved along. His name is Easton Friedel. I couldn't forget his name because it's GramE's name and your middle name (but with an I- Eastin). No less than a couple weeks later, the photographer that took Little Man's newborn pictures, posted on her blog a picture and asked for prayers because the same baby, Easton, was not doing well. This time, my heart tugged and I went to his facebook page. Within minutes, my heart was captured by this precious baby boy. He reminds me so much of Little Man with his big brown eyes and head of hair. I became emotionally involved with his ups and downs. I was heartbroken when they did not think he would live. I rejoiced when he did well. I look forward to hearing about him every day.
I also read about another little angel, Liam Lyon. He, as well, like Tripp, got his wings this year. Precious boy was a heart baby. His family has reached thousands of people, inspiring them to prayer, rallying for other precious babies.
I found myself in a world of online prayer for babies suffering for things I had never heard of and couldn't begin to fathom. How could a newborn possibly be born with stage IV cancer? This just doesn't happen!!!! But, it does.
I found precious child after precious child that was fighting a literal fight for their lives. Their families giving up everything to find cures, get medicine, be at their heart's side through everything. They were grasping at every single second to store it as a memory. Trying to fit a lifetime into minutes, hours, days, weeks...whatever time there was. No one could know. So, I began praying. I began to feel my heart relishing the moments that I had found so hard before. I began to stop when my voice was going up with my frustration, and pray.
I realized what was going on in my heart after reading a post by a mother of a young man named, Lane Goodwin. The drs. told him that they were finally out of options and he should go home and enjoy every moment. How does a parent take the next breath? How does a parent not fall down crushed? She knows how precious time is and is doing everything that she can to lift Lane up and love him every second he has left. She is heart broken, but so completely relies on God that she has told Lane that it is ok to go to Him, not be afraid, and that he can be with Jesus until she, her husband, and Lane's little brother join him in Heaven.
I know this post is very heavy and sad, but like I said, our prayers can lead us to be heartbroken. My heart needed to be broken for Him to answer my prayer. I would say there were bits of pride, denial, anger, exhaustion, selfishness, and a strong desire to control in my heart when it came to my reaction to having you, my kids, act the way that I wanted.
It has turned out beautiful (I think!). Little Easton is doing well (all things considered). His fight and drive to survive amaze me. I am so blessed to be able to hold you and squeeze you! I can rub Little Man's head, tickle his toes, and kiss his cheeks endlessly. I remind myself when I sit down to feed Little Man that these moments are precious and not to waste on something that I can read later. Cali has had so many surgeries in her little life, but she fights! Go Cali Go! Liam Lyon: hear him ROAR, is still continuing to rally the prayer warriors for many other little ones in need. Talk about amazing! Lane has over 100, 000 followers on facebook giving him a "thumbs up" as they pray for a miracle because that is the only thing left, a miracle. Think of the lives changed!!!
God loves little children! He loves them for their innocence, strength, bravery, and purity. I want to love you three just like God does. I am human and I will fail you. I am not perfect and I know you will not be perfect either. But I can encourage you, as I have been encouraged, that it is very true that God will speak to you. He spoke to me by showing me the reality of humanity, it is temporary. But that is ok. This world is not our true home anyway. There is nothing to fear.
The Tiny Sparrow Foundation is a beautiful organization that take pictures of tiny sparrow that are pictures of hope. Pictures of children in their fight, having overcome their fight, or sadly, at the end of their fight, for life. These beautiful photos are glimpses of heroes, warriors, princesses, tiny sparrows. They are examples of how God has answered my prayer. How do I soften my heart to love my children the unconditional way that I need to when times are the most difficult?
So, here it is, the answer. Be still. Be still and listen because in this silence, God will speak to you. From there it is up to you (free will). I pray that you will listen, so that your life will be changed by seeing the beauty He has to show you. I now use the precious moments with Little Man to stare into his beautiful eyes and pray. I now find my heart grateful in new ways and through this, I am blessed.
My heart is at peace when I am still and know. He is God.
I love you forever and always!
Mommy
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