Be Still and Know...

Dearest Children,

I sat comfortably feeding my four month old Little Man while staring into his beautiful brown eyes. Something had changed in my heart, in my mind, in my life. We tell you to pray about everything, but not always doing it ourselves. I prayed that God would soften my heart and He has.

I have been very frustrated because my Cupcake and Sunshine know exactly which buttons to push to send my spaceship into orbit, and they eagerly seeks to push them. I love my girls with all my heart, but I wanted to stay "in love" and show "unconditional love" at all times. Maybe it's because we are so much alike? I love to see me in you! Sometimes, these reflections are not always pleasant though. I know that Dad and I are the models and though you have free will, you will do what I do. My actions need to match my words.
I have heard to be careful what you wish for and to be careful what you pray for because it might come true. This can be a blessing or it can lead one into heartbreak. Everything God does is on purpose, "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him" (Philippians 2:13).
So, how did He answer my prayer? I usually would feed Little Man and search facebook, pinterest, read email.
One day, a photographer, whose blog I read because I love her photos, posted that her nephew had just been born with a very rare skin condition (EB) that is just beyond awful and she was asking for prayers. I had to click off of her blog because I had followed a precious angel named Tripp Roth and his battle with this same horrid disease for a couple years. Earlier this year, he grew his wings and is now an angel baby. I knew the outcome for Tripp and could not stand the thought of watching another beautiful baby suffer. So, I moved along. His name is Easton Friedel. I couldn't forget his name because it's GramE's name and your middle name (but with an I- Eastin). No less than a couple weeks later, the photographer that took Little Man's newborn pictures, posted on her blog a picture and asked for prayers because the same baby, Easton, was not doing well. This time, my heart tugged and I went to his facebook page. Within minutes, my heart was captured by this precious baby boy. He reminds me so much of Little Man with his big brown eyes and head of hair. I became emotionally involved with his ups and downs. I was heartbroken when they did not think he would live. I rejoiced when he did well.  I look forward to hearing about him every day.
I also read about another little angel, Liam Lyon. He, as well, like Tripp, got his wings this year. Precious boy was a heart baby. His family has reached thousands of people, inspiring them to prayer, rallying for other precious babies.
I found myself in a world of online prayer for babies suffering for things I had never heard of and couldn't begin to fathom. How could a newborn possibly be born with stage IV cancer? This just doesn't happen!!!! But, it does.
I found precious child after precious child that was fighting a literal fight for their lives. Their families giving up everything to find cures, get medicine, be at their heart's side through everything. They were grasping at every single second to store it as a memory. Trying to fit a lifetime into minutes, hours, days, weeks...whatever time there was. No one could know. So, I began praying. I began to feel my heart relishing the moments that I had found so hard before. I began to stop when my voice was going up with my frustration, and pray.
I realized what was going on in my heart after reading a post by a mother of a young man named, Lane Goodwin. The drs. told him that they were finally out of options and he should go home and enjoy every moment. How does a parent take the next breath? How does a parent not fall down crushed? She knows how precious time is and is doing everything that she can to lift Lane up and love him every second he has left. She is heart broken, but so completely relies on God that she has told Lane that it is ok to go to Him, not be afraid, and that he can be with Jesus until she, her husband, and Lane's little brother join him in Heaven.
I know this post is very heavy and sad, but like I said, our prayers can lead us to be heartbroken. My heart needed to be broken for Him to answer my prayer. I would say there were bits of pride, denial, anger, exhaustion, selfishness, and a strong desire to control in my heart when it came to my reaction to having you,  my kids, act the way that I wanted.
It has turned out beautiful (I think!). Little Easton is doing well (all things considered). His fight and drive to survive amaze me. I am so blessed to be able to hold you and squeeze you! I can rub Little Man's head, tickle his toes, and kiss his cheeks endlessly. I remind myself when I sit down to feed Little Man that these moments are precious and not to waste on something that I can read later. Cali has had so many surgeries in her little life, but she fights! Go Cali Go! Liam Lyon: hear him ROAR, is still continuing to rally the prayer warriors for many other little ones in need. Talk about amazing! Lane has over 100, 000 followers on facebook giving him a "thumbs up" as they pray for a miracle because that is the only thing left, a miracle.  Think of the lives changed!!!
God loves little children! He loves them for their innocence, strength, bravery, and purity. I want to love you three just like God does. I am human and I will fail you. I am not perfect and I know you will not be perfect either. But I can encourage you, as I have been encouraged, that it is very true that God will speak to you. He spoke to me by showing me the reality of humanity, it is temporary. But that is ok. This world is not our true home anyway. There is nothing to fear.
The Tiny Sparrow Foundation is a beautiful organization that take pictures of tiny sparrow that are pictures of hope. Pictures of children in their fight, having overcome their fight, or sadly, at the end of their fight, for life. These beautiful photos are glimpses of heroes, warriors, princesses, tiny sparrows. They are examples of how God has answered my prayer. How do I soften my heart to love my children the unconditional way that I need to when times are the most difficult?
So, here it is, the answer. Be still. Be still and listen because in this silence, God will speak to you. From there it is up to you (free will). I pray that you will listen, so that your life will be changed by seeing the beauty He has to show you. I now use the precious moments with Little Man to stare into his beautiful eyes and pray. I now find my heart grateful in new ways and through this, I am blessed.

My heart is at peace when I am still and know. He is God.

 

I love you forever and always!

Mommy

But for the grace of God...

Dearest Children,

Right now mommy is having a very hard time in her heart. I am struggling because there is a precious baby that I do not know that is suffering. His name is Easton Friedel. He was born August 23, 2012 with an awful, incurable, painful disease called EB or Epidermolysis Bullosa. He is absolutely a beautiful baby! He is adorable just like you three. A mother could stare at him for hours, like I stared at you perfect little beings.
What I am struggling with, past my inner most desire to control the outcome of his situation, is the commonly used statement "but for the grace of God". I hear it and have even used it stated in reference to an difficult situation someone else is enduring and "but for the grace of God" they are not the ones walking the same path.
It's an innocent comment. I know I've used it. Your GramE has said it and she's one of the most loving, giving, Christian people ever. But I would ask that you do not use it if you reference someone else's woe. See, we do not have more grace than someone else because our burden is different. God does not favor us more because we did not have a child born with a horrific disease. That is simply not how He works. Jeremiah 29:11 says ^" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So, God knows exactly what you are going through and what you will go through. It is not by His grace you do not go through something. It is by His plan and His will. 
Jeremiah 1:5 says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." In my breakdown, He made every person unique, special, and exactly what He needs them to be. This precious child my heart laments for, was made set apart for a reason. Easton (Cupcake, your middle name and GramE's first name, but with an i- Eastin) has appointed a prophet to nations. His Facebook page (don't laugh at me if by the time you can read this Facebook isn't around anymore) has thousands of followers for many nations praying for him, wishing him well, begging the Lord that made him to heal him. There are even people that are not Christian pulling for him. It's so beautiful to see people step outside of themselves to love another (myself included- I am not pious).
Let me offer you some examples. Noah was asked by God to build an ark in a time that no one had seen it rain. He wasn't only asked to build it, but fill it with animals. I bet people thought he was nuts! Then, he sealed it and dreadfully had to watch everything and everyone that didn't come aboard disappear. But he was faithful and God spared him and his family. We look at his story today as an example of truly blind faith. Ruth lost her husband in a time where she would have to return to her home country and hopefully find a place to be nothing more than a servant like. But, she followed her mother in law, Naomi, into a foreign country, worked long back breaking hours in a field collecting discarded grains. God blessed her with Boaz, who took care of her and Naomi. More importantly, her faithfulness was rewarded by being in the lineage of Jesus. Talk about amazing! Paul was enslaved. They kept having to change his guards because he would lead them to Christ! Awesome! Jesus was tortured, beaten and hung on the cross and He still begged His Father to "forgive them for they know not what they do".
"For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again" Proverbs 24:16. Grace is not what keeps us from suffering like others. It is was keeps us going when we are suffering. "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever" (2 Peter 3:18). We are broken and reformed through trials. We are to use these times to give Him praise and be an example of him. There are people all of the world watching precious Easton's parents and the love and strength they are showing. Yes, they are hurting. No, I cannot begin to imagine the amount and I have no desire to because just a moment of the thought tears me up inside. 
Thankfully, Jesus exclaimed "It is finished!" and not "I am finished". Then, three days later He defeated death and arose. How comforting to know that I will get to see my Grandma, Papa Ray, Chalis, Lisa, Courtney, Michael P. and more. Angie will get to cuddle beautiful baby Payton. Melissa will get to squeeze precious Eli. Crystal will hear the coos of Caydn. GramE will get to hug her mommy and grandmother. Pops will get to hug his mom! Dad will get to hug his Papa Gish. I could go on and on. 
All this to express the inaccuracy of "but for the grace of God". "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12:7). "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9).

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven,
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I love you my beautiful children. I am thankful for the trials we have because they will strengthen us as Christians, children, me as your mommy, and dad as daddy, Cupcake, Sunshine and myself as wives, Little Man and daddy as husbands, as friends, as parents yourselves, as employees, students, and as individuals. Please don't be insensitive to others or ignorant to the belief and faith of God's will, God's timing, and God's plan, even if we beg Him to our very core to change it, just like I do for precious baby Easton. 

It's by His grace we are saved, not spared.

all my love,

Mommy